Maybe I failed, maybe I did not
A long time has passed since I last wrote a blogpost, roughly 2 months I think. Reason being my college entrance exams that I would be appearing for after (more than)a year-long preparation. During this time I came up with a lot of ideas for this blog but they were all drafted and trashed by me later on.
It was in the june of 2019 that I decided I would take a gap year to prepare for a national entrance exam that would get me into medschool. As many of you might know that the preparation of entrance exams(in India) requires a lot of hard work along with a lot of sacrifices, I had decided to take time off of instagram (and return as soon as the exam got over) so I deleted my account the very night before my classes started.
I was still active on whatsapp, for the sole purpose of class-groups wherein teachers and peers from my coaching were included and exchange of question papers or class notes was a regular thing. I seldom used it for informal conversation.
So over the year, as I had seemingly more time to myself, I would dream of avites I would indulge myself in once I’d get done with my exams. But of course covid had to crap all over to it, making me and the rest of the world quarantined from their families which nobody thought would turn out to have such a momentous impact on their lives.
A few things I had planned included:-
- Joining a swimming class with my friend
- Cycling on a regular basis
- Make an awesome diet plan and excersise regularly
- Try to finish reading all the novels from my ‘to-read’ list
- Comeback on instagram
- See many sunrises as possible during the summer
Except the first and last point- to see sunrise I have to go to a nearby park which is obviously closed due to, again, covid (curses mentally) I can achieve all of it, but over the past few weeks, I have had a change of heart or maybe procrastination struck that wouldn’t let me accomplish them.
A day after my main exam got over, based on which I would be given admission into a medical college (the remaining exams were just a back up for giving me admission into research and related fields), I gathered the courage to finally go through the answer key made available by the coaching institute I studied in and calculated my marks. Soon, a wave of dejection swept over me as I learnt I did not perform as well as I had expected.
The next two weeks were a lot difficult to face… constant discussion with parents and my close friends about what-to-do-next had started. Even though I was still giving my leftover exams in those two weeks, I had a strong feeling that they were not the kind of stream I wanted to pursue as a career. Each discussion would have the same result, same answer- take gap for another year.
In these two weeks, I tried to distract myself from all sorts of negative thoughts and one day decided to pick up a novel. So I chose to read Nothing Ventured by Jeffrey Archer. Two pages later, I couldn’t bring myself to focus so I put the book down and go for an afternoon nap.
I was always filled with a constant feeling of desolation and would always think ‘why couldn’t I have done better?’ because I never wanted to be in this situation in the first place. I have never had failure hit me like this, not even when I failed in physics for the first time (in high school). It just feels like I don’t want to accept this defeat, I don’t want to live with a feeling of ‘I could have achieved it, I wish I could have worked harder…’ . So, as soon as I was over with the last exam, I decided it is time to face it. Yes, I failed this time and also learned the hard way how much more smartwork I should have done during my preparation. At the same time, I was a little proud of myself ’cause even though my marks aren’t enough to get me into a government medical college, atleast I tried and improved myself. I learnt topics which I thought I would never be able to solve or understand. This opportunity gave me an insight to myself. I became more patient, understanding and less of a judgemental person. I have learned to appreciate solitude more than ever, and to voice my opinions. So even though I am filled with despair regarding my career/college, I totally acknowledge the kind of person I am today.
“ And things are not always okay
but even from rock bottom
I can still see the sky
I can still see the stars.”
So I took four to five days to think and overcome this feeling of dejection which had taken a strong hold of me and decided to learn some new things.
As of now i have decided to :-
1) Start taking care of my skin (when I was at the peak of my preparation, my forehead became crimson red with acne and currently it is beautifully marked with blemishes :p )
2) Take care of my hair because yes, my hair is dryer and rough in texture than before.
so yes I am looking forward to a lot of self love ❤33
It’s not much since most of my time goes away in sleeping (LOL), binge watching a show with my friend (i.e SKAM, if you happen to watch it too THEN PLEASE COMMENT AND LET ME KNOW! , would absolutely love to fangirl with someone 😉 ) and occasional evening walks with my other friends.
In between all of this, I decided to pick up my laptop and started writing this blog. I will be honest, before this, I was filled with a lot of procrastination and now that I am finally doing it , I do not feel like stopping even for a second. It’s like I have happened to love how this blog might turn out to be my go-to-way of expressing my thoughts and opinions.
Anyway, my result will be declared in the next one or two days and I was very keen on publishing this blog before that. So do let me know how you feel about this in the comments below 🙂
love love ❤3
Originally published at http://myordinaryisthenewcool.wordpress.com on October 7, 2020.